GLOBAL WARMING IS A GOOD THING

by Mr. Mean-Spirited

Global warming would be a great thing – if only it were real. Human extinction would be wonderful – if only it would occur soon. Environmental collapse is what mankind truly deserves.

Even if global warming is a hoax, we need to make it happen. Even if the planet is not heating-up, then we need to do our damnedest to bring about an environmental apocalypse.

Don’t think of our unavoidable global annihilation as a tragedy, but as an opportunity. Logically, if the world is going to end, then it makes no difference whether human beings are cruel or kind to each other. However, being personally ruinous allows you to settle scores before mankind dies out in this inevitable environmental apocalypse. Better to die smug than to die a sissy.

You aren’t going to live forever, sweetheart. If human life becomes impossible a decade after your death, it makes no difference to you. However, you can still get plenty of enjoyment by making all the environmentalists feel uncomfortable right here and now. Even if all the forests are not completely logged in your lifetime, you can still have plenty of entertainment by getting the tree-huggers all worked-up in this day and age. You can always amuse yourself by provoking the do-gooders – like shoving a stick into an anthill.

Don’t get me wrong, the environment is already fucked. Nothing can be done to make the world better. I’ve already suffered once because the earlier generation didn’t give a shit about me and polluted the entire planet. Now I am expected to give up the few comforts I have left in order that some future progeny might have it better; fuck no – that would make it so that I suffer twice. Do you take me for some frigging masochist? I owe posterity exactly what my ancestors did for me: not a goddamn thing. I want my (metaphorical) offspring to experience just as much discomfort as I have endured. Consider global warming my revenge against the future. Those pampered assholes deserve it.

And if you and your repulsive kids actually drown when sea levels rise, so much the better. If you and your repellent family starve when crops won’t grow, that is an added benefit. If you and your revolting offspring die of heat exhaustion, that is an extra blessing. If you and your repugnant toddlers perish from some new tropical disease, that is an unexpected boon.

So what if cancerous lesions from sun exposure should increase, no skin of my back. So what if the world runs out of food, something had to be done about obesity rates anyway.

Let’s get this extermination over with. What difference does it make if the earth becomes uninhabitable for your grandchildren or great-great-great-grandchildren? Either way, it’s going to end. Might as well put a halt to things right now. Let’s stop all this procrastination, and finally get the human species eradicated once and for all.

You might as well fire-up that burn barrel in your backyard – and just let that rubbish smolder. You might as well purge that old Freon from your air conditioner – and buy more fluorocarbons on the black market. You’ve surely heard that eating beef will cause the rain forests to be consumed by expanding cattle ranches – so barbecued steaks ought to be a nightly meal. You might as well warm up that luxury car of yours in the morning – and just let that motor idle. You are doing the planet a favor.

Global warming ought to fill you with a sense of personal satisfaction. By allowing your muffler to pump out as much exhaust as possible – you, too, can change the planet. This is the way the world ends – not with a bang, but with a wisp of smoke.