Sunday, June 8, 2014


by Mr. Mean-Spirited

You get rid of a cold the same way that you cure yourself of any other misfortune: you pass the affliction on to someone else. You have often heard it said that you can’t ever get well from the flu until somebody else gets your germs. Influenza is just like everything else in life. Whenever you suffer some illness or imperfection, the only certain means of getting better is to give that ailment to another person.

Some folk sayings you can feel in your gut: you can never get rid of harm to your own self until another person is suffering in your place. There is a reason why folk wisdom tells you to hand-over that chest cold to your unsuspecting neighbor.

The celestial balance sheet requires that someone in this world always be sickened – and you might as well be damn sure it is someone else. God is a bit like a cost accountant up in the cosmos. In this holy ledger, there must always be some soul that is afflicted, so you might as well make certain that another name is in the unfortunate column. Like any set of financial statements, you do not eliminate suffering – you move it around. Agony is like money – it never vanishes; anguish just goes to someone else. In this existence, the good Lord is going to extract every cent of pain that He is promised – the only thing that concerns you is to make certain is that the hurt comes out of someone else’s flesh. 

Whether it is AIDS or an upset stomach, suffering is like a bad penny – you need to pass it to the person next to you. Whether it is syphilis or a sore throat, sickness is like a piece of counterfeit currency that you receive in change – you won’t feel better until you slip it to some unsuspecting victim. Whether it is herpes or hemorrhoids, you will only get better by making others sick. On this earth, you cannot prevent damage; you just pass the calamity to the next person in line. The best you can do in life is to ensure that others are in misery, so misfortune stays away from you.  

You rid the body of a cold the same way you remedy any other malady, you give the affliction to someone else. Any sort of damage in this life can only be repaired if you pass the distress on to some other victim.



  1. Sounds like a plan! I have a cold and I'm off to sneeze on my sister. This post really made my day.

  2. Makes some sense. We have the religion part, with Jesus getting our sins to himself, like if it all has to be accounted for, in some cosmic balance. We share things with each other, so it diminishes the weight we have to carry on our own - this a "lite" version of what you are talking about here, apparently. And yes, it was one of my theories that if we inflict some sort of pain - even in ourselves, the minor "pains" get transferred or diminished. If we experience some major hurt or harm, the little pains of everyday life kinda go away, even if for a while. I guess this is all connected with what you are writing here.

  3. Indeed, we are all conduits of God's will. If he wanted to punish just you personally, he would give you a non-contagious disease. Since the disease is contagious, he apparently wants your help in spreading microbes. Go ahead, help the him with his mission.