Monday, June 30, 2014


by Mr. Mean-Spirited

Every educated reader understands that Schadenfreude is a German expression for the enjoyment of someone else’s misfortune; this predilection to delight in the mishaps of your fellow man reveals something about the real nature of the human soul. Everyone can realize that Schadenfreude is truly the only unselfish and magnanimous emotion: you don’t exactly wish your neighbor’s misery upon yourself, no matter how hilarious his suffering.

Although you might claim a burning desire to help a needy child, your chuckle when the brat falls in the parking lot reveals your authentic feelings. You just can't be all sanctimonious after you snicker at a kid with skinned knees. Schadenfreude strips away all social pretense. Although you might insist you only want to assist an old lady to safely cross the street, your laughter when she drops her purse will disclose your genuine sentiments. Schadenfreude is the sincerest expression of the human spirit.

Whenever an enemy smashes-up his car in some preeminently ludicrous fashion, you can’t help but walk about with a smirk on your fact the rest of the day. Whenever a co-worker gets fired for some preposterous malfeasance, the rest of your day in the office will be all the more delightful. Whenever an acquaintance goes bankrupt in a peculiarly entertaining fashion, you can't help but feel that you have witnessed the marvelous. Whenever a fellow citizen winds-up in the emergency room with a particularly embarrassing aliment, you cannot help but feel that your own life has been touched by wonder. Whenever you witness some schmuck losing all his money at a pathetic game of blackjack, you know that you are going to have one hell of a lucky night at the casino.

A miracle does not occur when you receive some manna from the supernatural – as much as the hand of the miraculous is revealed in the moment when your greatest adversary suffers some adversity. That instant when your rival sustains a terrible calamity is the greatest moment in your own life. The most intense pleasure in this world is watching your opponent suffer. Nothing is more enjoyable than seeing your enemy in anguish.  The truest magic in life is witnessing the defeat of your competition.

The other person’s hardship bestows good fortune upon you. Bad luck for the other guy means blessings for you.



  1. Would it be correct to conclude that parents experience Schadenfreude when they inflict existence on their children?

    1. Parents certainly do dress their children in enough embarrassing outfits – feed the brats enough repulsive food – slap the bastards upside the head – and taunt the infants for their helplessness.