Friday, October 17, 2014


by Mr. Mean-Spirited

Surely you are not naïve enough to believe that you will be getting uncontaminated food in any restaurant. Commercial food is a kind of spittoon for the accumulated resentment of underpaid workers. Fast food is a receptacle for discarded mucus of those who have taken umbrage against you.

The employees at every bistro have a lottery going to see who can get the most repulsive items into the customer's mouth. Every gourmet restaurant has got a contest going among the staff to see who can get the customers to swallow the most disgusting object. Consider of every meal as a sort of practical joke in which the evidence gets eaten. Think of the dining establishment as a place where body waste gets recycled into the mouths of other people. Chew on that for a while.

The maître d’ might bow when he leads you to your table, but in the stockroom he is wiping his bowel movement onto your garlic bread. The server might wink when he recommends the daily special, but in the pantry, he’s masturbating into your goulash. Don’t you ever wonder why that salad dressing always tastes a bit off? The waiter may smile when he is at your table pocketing the tip, but you can be certain that in the kitchen he is spitting in your food. 

The customer is always in the most victimized party in any transaction. If the client knows that he will be placing himself in a vulnerable position, it is best to avoid the situation altogether. The chef is always going to get the better of any dinner guest. 

Would you like some fish with those phlegm balls? Would you like me to freshen-up that beverage with a little warm piss?


  1. No, thank you very much.

    This is why I couldn't understand the many who are eager to pay triple the worth of a meal you can't witness in assembly, in the kind of establishment where paying less than quadruple calls for vengeance. Even without malice on the staff's part, you know profit margins oblige them to serve you what you didn't see them drop on the floor.

  2. You can always tip 'em a few dollars - after you've kept the money in your butt/fetid crotch. This ensures 'karma' is kept at a equilibrium!

    1. Dammit! I am so pissed I didn't come up with that. Having had just this conversation today, I will have to think of some terrific horrors I may pass on.