THE BLESSINGS OF SCHADENFREUDE

by Mr. Mean-Spirited



Every educated reader understands that Schadenfreude is a German expression for the enjoyment of someone else’s misfortune; this predilection to delight in the mishaps of your fellow man reveals something about the real nature of the human soul. Everyone can realize that Schadenfreude is truly the only unselfish and magnanimous emotion: you don’t exactly wish your neighbor’s misery upon yourself, no matter how hilarious his suffering.

Although you might claim a burning desire to help a needy child, your chuckle when the brat falls in the parking lot reveals your authentic feelings. You just can't be all sanctimonious after you snicker at a kid with skinned knees. Schadenfreude strips away all social pretense. Although you might insist you only want to assist an old lady to safely cross the street, your laughter when she drops her purse will disclose your genuine sentiments. Schadenfreude is the sincerest expression of the human spirit.

Whenever an enemy smashes-up his car in some preeminently ludicrous fashion, you can’t help but walk about with a smirk on your fact the rest of the day. Whenever a co-worker gets fired for some preposterous malfeasance, the rest of your day in the office will be all the more delightful. Whenever an acquaintance goes bankrupt in a peculiarly entertaining fashion, you can't help but feel that you have witnessed the marvelous. Whenever a fellow citizen winds-up in the emergency room with a particularly embarrassing aliment, you cannot help but feel that your own life has been touched by wonder. Whenever you witness some schmuck losing all his money at a pathetic game of blackjack, you know that you are going to have one hell of a lucky night at the casino.

A miracle does not occur when you receive some manna from the supernatural – as much as the hand of the miraculous is revealed in the moment when your greatest adversary suffers some adversity. That instant when your rival sustains a terrible calamity is the greatest moment in your own life. The most intense pleasure in this world is watching your opponent suffer. Nothing is more enjoyable than seeing your enemy in anguish.  The truest magic in life is witnessing the defeat of your competition.

The other person’s hardship bestows good fortune upon you. Bad luck for the other guy means blessings for you.


 

EROTICISM IS ALL ABOUT HUMILIATING ANOTHER HUMAN

by Mr. Mean-Spirited



Let me tell you a secret. Sex is never just about sex – sex is all about humiliating another human being. What is truly erotic is the process of degrading another person. What is so arousing is the act of dehumanizing another soul.

There is no better demonstration of a man’s genuine character than a bloke’s true sexual fantasies. Nothing reveals a human’s foul nature more than what excites him sexually. Quite frankly, you are doomed to be stimulated by some pretty disgusting stuff indeed. Since you cannot exist as a celibate creature, you might as well be honest about what you find arousing. You need to come to terms with how loathsome you truly are. You really ought to be ashamed of yourself – well, you should if it all weren’t so damn enjoyable.  

Let’s be honest, human beings live for that moment when they can demean their neighbor, and nothing demonstrates the depravity of human nature as sexual excitement. A man can pretend many things, but sexual arousal reveals his genuine essence.

Ever human animal can understand orgasm, but what is erotic everything not related to any primordial physical responses. What is sensual is everything that is not a product of biological sensation. What is arousing the befouling of another human being. What is stimulating is the excess.

A blowjob is a simple matter of suction – but what makes fellatio exquisite is everything that comes after your ejaculation. What makes the cocksucking perfect is the moment when she swallows your semen – an act entirely unnecessary as your ejection is already completed. But what is arousing is getting a woman to degrade herself by swallowing your biological waste. You’ve had your orgasm, so what she does with your sperm is completely gratuitous. You want your girlfriend to be ever-afterward contaminated and corrupted – that is the point of the activity, not some transitory pleasure. The purpose of sex is not some transitory orgasm, but the life-long debasement of another life.

You might fantasize about shooting off upon her face, but what makes the act erotic is the deliberate soiling of another living being. Your debauchery leaves your sexual partner eternally defiled. There is always something reprehensible about your urges. The more intense the orgasm, the more despicable your desires. If you cannot avoid your inclinations, you might as well indulge.

After what you did last night, how can you ever live with yourself? Only by doing something even worse tonight. 
 
 
 

YOU CURE A COLD BY GIVING IT TO ANOTHER PERSON

by Mr. Mean-Spirited

 

You get rid of a cold the same way that you cure yourself of any other misfortune: you pass the affliction on to someone else. You have often heard it said that you can’t ever get well from the flu until somebody else gets your germs. Influenza is just like everything else in life. Whenever you suffer some illness or imperfection, the only certain means of getting better is to give that ailment to another person.

Some folk sayings you can feel in your gut: you can never get rid of harm to your own self until another person is suffering in your place. There is a reason why folk wisdom tells you to hand-over that chest cold to your unsuspecting neighbor.

The celestial balance sheet requires that someone in this world always be sickened – and you might as well be damn sure it is someone else. God is a bit like a cost accountant up in the cosmos. In this holy ledger, there must always be some soul that is afflicted, so you might as well make certain that another name is in the unfortunate column. Like any set of financial statements, you do not eliminate suffering – you move it around. Agony is like money – it never vanishes; anguish just goes to someone else. In this existence, the good Lord is going to extract every cent of pain that He is promised – the only thing that concerns you is to make certain is that the hurt comes out of someone else’s flesh. 

Whether it is AIDS or an upset stomach, suffering is like a bad penny – you need to pass it to the person next to you. Whether it is syphilis or a sore throat, sickness is like a piece of counterfeit currency that you receive in change – you won’t feel better until you slip it to some unsuspecting victim. Whether it is herpes or hemorrhoids, you will only get better by making others sick. On this earth, you cannot prevent damage; you just pass the calamity to the next person in line. The best you can do in life is to ensure that others are in misery, so misfortune stays away from you.  

You rid the body of a cold the same way you remedy any other malady, you give the affliction to someone else. Any sort of damage in this life can only be repaired if you pass the distress on to some other victim.