YOU SHOULD BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC

by Mr. Mean-Spirited

Some would say that I have a bit of a drinking problem. Put a bottle in front of me and I will empty it.

If you ever happen to visit the cheapest bar downtown, you would see me sitting with my back to the wall, coldly watching everything going on around me. Some might suggest that I am just a substance abuser – but, no, I drink to understand myself.

I think of it like this. If you ever really want to know who you are – you could spend decades meditating in weird postures, you might even expend years in psychoanalysis – but if you find the courage to investigate your true nature, you should try getting shit-faced drunk every night. Liquor brings out a person’s true nature. Intoxication demonstrates the way a personality actually works. If somebody is naturally quiet, alcohol will make them even quieter. If an individual is normally withdrawn, then drinking will cause them to become even less talkative. If a person is regularly aggressive, then liquor will leave them all the more assertive. Booze does not transform a human being; it just makes them even more so. Alcohol is not liquid courage – never has been; firewater is more like liquid confirmation. You might not like the kind of person you discover yourself to be – but liquor has a way of making you come to accept it.

Liquor takes all the sadness and sufferings of life and does not make anything better – not even for a couple hours – alcohol just puts things into perspective. Drinking helps you to come to terms with the sorrows of existence.

Booze has taught me one thing: I’m a God-damned asocial bastard. I don’t drink to accustom me to other people; I get drunk to bring out my innate unsociability. I do not drink to become gregarious with acquaintances; I imbibe in order to make me all the more antisocial. I am not a friendly drinker; I am one fucking silent drunk. I am not tolerant when I get tipsy; I am one unsympathetic drinker. I would prefer to meticulously peel the label off a beer bottle than hear about your problems. I’d rather blackout a couple hours – and come to my senses in unfamiliar locations – than spend time with the likes of you. Say what you like about me, I might hate everyone’s guts – but I can hold my liquor.

The higher my blood-alcohol level, the greater my contempt for humanity. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a friend beside me. I prefer booze to bosom buddies. I don’t need other souls near me; I just need spirits within reach. I don’t want laughter around me; I just want liquor inside me.

Damn right, I am an alcoholic – and if you had the liver for it, you should become a drunkard too.