THE ALFERD PACKER SOLUTION

by Mr. Mean-Spirited



Alferd Packer, that quintessential cannibal of the Old West, unfortunately didn’t leave us any recipes, but he did provide an infallible way of disposing with pesty liberals that works to this day. When Alferd Packer, the conservative Colorado Cannibal, was convicted of feasting on human flesh, the judge sentenced him by complaining: “When yah came to Hinsdale County, there was siven Dimmycrats. But you, yah et five of 'em, goddam yah.” (Got to love the way they rendered dialect back in the 19th Century.) Say what you like about a guy who eats human tissue – but Alferd Packer knew how to deal with busy-body Democrats.

Those do-gooders who feel a need to dictate every aspect of your life were as much of a nuisance back in the Wild West as they are today. Communitarians were as much of an annoyance in the Gold Rush era as they are in today’s society. Alferd Packer chanced upon the only sensible way to respond to idealists: after all, you can’t reason with liberals; you can’t present any evidence that would cause liberal to realize the error of their ways; you can’t ever get liberals to change their mind. In olden days as well as modern times, there is only one way to deal with bleeding hearts: cook and consume them.

Then as now, a humanitarian is always the greatest menace to your very freedom. There is only one way to eliminate the threat of idealists: cannibalize them. You might as well go all anthropophagous with an altruist. Slice-and-dice is the best way to deal with somebody always talking about self-sacrifice. Whenever you hear the word “benevolence,” you ought to reach for your bone saw. If you can’t beat them, then eat them.

After all, Democrats are always talking how the most important thing in the world is just to feed the hungry – Alferd Packer simply gave liberals a chance to prove their words.