I would observe carefully, and I would lean forward when the other person leaned forward. I would observe cautiously, and I would smile when the other person smiled. I conscientiously laughed for 2 whole seconds when the other person told a joke – yes, it was a contrived, concocted chuckle, but the point is that I was trying.
If the target spoke with an accent, I would copy the same regional dialect. If I detected a minimal intelligence in the subject, I would make an attempt at small talk. I would memorize what the other person told me, and I would claim the same thing happened to me when the stranger confided in me – obviously, nothing like that actually occurred to me, but I was making an effort here. But all the while, I was fully conscious of myself a putting on a different persona – mimicking a personality-type the same way you might wear a Halloween costume. Eventually I came to understand that other people actually thought they were the character whose outward appearance they were wearing.
There was a point in my life when I forced myself to be friendly. After a couple hours, the other person always managed to see through my best efforts. It is like the other person could sense that something is different with me. They could somehow perceive that I do not belong to their group. Like all dumb animals, they could instinctively feel I am not one of them. They knew I was not on their side.
It didn’t take long for me to recognize that most of humanity has no genuine self-awareness. Other people see themselves as part of a pack. If one of the herd were to ever fully realize his own uniqueness, then he would immediately be cast out of the flock. The ordinary person is simply not fully capable of perceiving himself as a unique entity. A liberal wants to transcend his ego – while a free man just wants to know himself completely, to realize himself completely.
Individualism is really just a form of self-consciousness. Other people lack a divine spark that gives them this self-knowledge.
I think that other people are alien creatures. I fear that altruists might actually be a different species. Communitarians might possibly have some human DNA – but other people are obviously not children of God. While a conformist might be anatomically Homo sapiens, he does not possess a fully developed sense of self-awareness. A humanitarian does not have a soul.
This is a very succinct account of how I, too, feel - though it has taken me over 70 years to realise that not only are other people alien, they are stupid as well, no matter how clever they are judged to be. I think their/our stupidity is a large factor in their/our inherent evil.
ReplyDelete'Original Sin' is the one bit of insight in the bible. It's just a pity that the idea was reduced to silly fairy-tale.
What has always amazed me about the Original Sin is that transparent implications of this story are completely ignored by believers. Instead of reflecting on it, they quickly proceed to “Be fruitful and multiply”.
DeleteYour first few paragraphs remind me of this little cunt I have to work with, an absolute non-entity who feels the only way to "fit in" with others, since that's stupidly what he wants to do, is to act like a shadow and an echo. I've had to talk to him more than once about doing that to me. I don't care that he's just a shell who has to imitate others but I do care that he tries to imitate me. He's going to learn the hard way if he keeps it up.
ReplyDeleteThat aside - we're all too fucking human, all of us. That's the thing that revolts me and I find the hardest to deal with. I'd love to see myself as some special individual but there are no such fucking things. Even the most well-known celebrity is just another chunk of meat. We're all the fucking same, and that's yet another argument for getting rid of us wholesale.
(Mind you - suppose everyone else is an alien? What difference would it make?).
This is an important topic. I remember doing the same thing myself, I figure most people do this when they're young. When you're young you give shit whether people like you or not, at least most seem to. The day I completely stopped giving a shit if people liked me or not, was the day I became my true self. Most people aren't worth being around anyway, why bother trying to impress them?
ReplyDelete