DON'T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT

by Mr. Mean-Spirited

At the moment of death, you must resist the temptation to move toward the light. As your life exits the body, don't go toward the bright—the shine is only coming from the watchtower. Beyond the pearly gates are razor wire and guard dogs. The only thing that someone like you can expect in the next world is a slaughterhouse. After you take your last breath, you will truly come to know just “how dreadful is this place.”

No matter how much you might have suffered here on earth, eternal life will be worse. Every last person in this world has constantly betrayed you, so you can only expect the deception to continue on the other side of the grave. Why would you believe anything coming from the Evil God when you know that the supreme being is only going to put you down at the end? The Lord is going to double-cross just as much as a butcher with a cattle prod. Any deity is going to deceive you as much as a serial killer with a meat saw. A Holy Guardian Angel is only there to cut you down to size.

A hunter will tell you that meat is more flavorful if the animal is made to run before it is dispatched: something about hormones that are released in muscle tissue. In just this fashion, the Malicious God wants you to suffer before your soul is extracted. Like an axe murderer collecting severed fingers in a cigar box, the Malevolent God wants to keep your soul in a Mason jar in the afterlife.

I don’t know the exact geography of the afterlife, but the white light lies in the opposite direction from paradise. The Heaven I am promised is not illuminated by spotlights. Nothing good ever comes from searchlights being pointed at your eyes.

After you give up your body, everyone goes into the light. If you evaded the crowd on this planet, you don’t want to be part of the swarm in the world beyond. You don’t want to be part of the herd, no matter which side of death you happen to be at the moment. If the masses are attracted toward the glow, an individualist will want to remain in the gloom.

You avoid capture so that your individual personality does not become merged and melded and mingled and mangled into the mystical body of the Church. You don’t want your soul added to the cauldron.

Whether in this word or in the Happy Hunting Ground of the afterlife, if you’ve got a gun-mounted light pointed at your torso, then you should probably start running in the opposite direction. If you’ve got a tactical light aimed at your head, then you really ought to be getting the hell out of there.

The hereafter is just a kind of meat-packing plant in the sky. The next world is a sort of death camp where the Wicked God harvests organs and steals souls. You have a better chance of surviving as a distinct personality if you keep to the shadows. You might just be able to persist as a unique psyche if you always keep to the darkness. If you get caught in the searchlight, you will only be dragged into the stockyard of souls. Even though the Holy Ghost will hunt you down like a bloodhound, the only way you will get through the spirit world is to act like an escaped convict on the run. You can outwit the search parties if you remain in the twilight.

Don't go toward the light and you will be alright. Stay in the obscure and you will endure: remain in the overcast and you will outlast.